My Resume

Corporate, Athlete, Restaurateur, Photographer, International Gamer or Writer? what do I really want? The saying goes like this, "Find a job you love, you won't have to work a day in your life." Great ! but how do I know what I love? Isn't it confusing to find out? How can I try my hand at everything and decide what I love & make a career out it? Do I tell myself that it's too late or I am too old to try something new? I've been told,  you to enjoy doing, whatever you're passionate about is what you do. What if I love everything I want to do and can't decide what to do?

Having spent a good 12 years in the corporate world, or what it seemed to me as "corporate," I have ruled that out. You give a lot than you get. Passions are snuffed and lost somewhere in-between heaps of worksheets, word docs and emails. The thick line between work and home, thins down and eventually vanishes. Even dreams and nightmares are about work. Your phone is more alive than you are. One might skip a vacation with your family for a meeting, but never ever a meeting with your boss even for lunch. You turn into a "corporate slave" or "heat-seeking missile," for your ass is always on fire.

I've done a variety of jobs, from being a counter sales-man to a job that demands suits and a tie. I often find me doing things I've detested. We all know that we need to find that one thing in life, that will drive us to succeed in life. But, what is that thing? In a time where entrepreneurs are sprouting faster that the poor man's crop, it might not sound right, the words "I have tried" sounds like an excuse. Yes, I have a job to run my family and fill my stomach. I have a job that will buy me clothes & my weekly drinks, but is that what I have wanted. Is that what I dream't of as a kid?

The freedom of not being able to do what we want, is eating me deep inside. There was a time, I considered becoming an athlete. I am not a gifted athlete, I am not a fast runner or agile. The passion was there, the willingness to put the hard-work was present. Oh wait, I need to have a job, I need to have a monthly income. Oh damn! Job first. When drowning in water, we all need a support to hang on to. Without it, you drown. Photography and Gaming has been my passion too. Those are just too expensive a passion. Need money! Oh damn! Job first.

The dream has always been to be my own boss. All of them I talk to, will say, "you got to fight for it" "you need to be positive" "if you want it badly, chase it" etc. I do not disagree, however, that isn't something everyone can do, is it? I entered the restaurant business with a friend, who would die for me. We visualized a wonderful venture. But, can we afford to be unsuccessful? Will that mean, the courage to take risks, will be scarred for life? Motivated by the countless success stories of young entrepreneurs, I take the leap of faith. Three months and an empty bank account later, I am thinking Oh damn, I need a job !

Working a mediocre job, has become the norm for many. The safety of regular inflow or wealth, no matter how small or huge is our life. Are we afraid to take risks? NO. Are you able to take the risk?
NO. I wished, tired, crashed and renovated. My question still remains, what do I want to do? What will burn the desire in me to do more and to better myself, at every turn.  

I know this post won't reach more than 3 people. None may find this thought provoking, I guess this shows, I can't become a writer either. Oh damn, I really need a JOB ! 

final battle

I am standing at the door, lest the fort should fall. the battle scars my shield bore, what destruction may befall. Holding a spear and a sword so strong, i know no mercy, i would kill the unborn. Looking at the army waiting outside the door, this is the last time, i don’t want no more. The clang of metal and the blood on the sand, what is on my mind, when I sever another hand.

I have fought many a battles, some for love, some for riches, some for passion and some for pride. I have a scar for each man killed, but the scar is in my heart, for I have known love. My sword held high, I fight for pride, the kingdoms I have invaded, the armies I have conquered and the riches I have looted. The cries for mercy and cries of lies, but I spared no one who dared me my life.

I will fight the brave, the coward and the king alike, for I am a soldier and this is my final battle. Each soldier has to fall, either in glory, treachery or love. I chose love and today I sheath my sword, in her honor. There will be no more blood in my hands, no more crying in my ears, no more death in my eyes. The sweat and blood strewn across the faces I see, fearing my swords mighty wrath. They shall die in combat than to flee, or submit to their woman’s plea.

Fathers, children, mothers and wives, shall see no more tears or live any fears. For along with my soul shall rest my sword, which would not see more blood. The mighty Achilles felled by a woman so would be any of us humans. I i have no fear and Looking at the army waiting outside the door, this is the last time, i don’t want no more. I submit my final cry, I raise my sword for one last time. May there be peace and may there be glory.

.... Final Farewell ....

The years we shared have been full of joy, The memories we made will go on and on. I see you in my dreams, and Everywhere I look are Memories of you, I haven't stopped crying since you went away. When you died my whole World came crashing down On me, You opened my eyes to see what it all means I lost you forever, I blamed myself ,I asked God time and time, why couldn't you stay, but I learned That God needed you more than We did, We think of you in silence.

We often speak your name. Now all we have is memories . And your picture in a frame. Your memory is our keepsake. With which we’ll never part. God has you in his keeping and We have you in our heart. The greatest gift I ever had Came from God; I call him Dad! Black smoke rising up from the burning mass of wood, stings the already teary eyes. People gathered around in small groups sunk in their own sorrow, an eerie silence envelops the air. The occasional crackle of firewood burning with a calm fury. So serene that one can feel the blessed souls rising to answer the call from heaven.

The silent sobs echoes in the air, I sat at a distance watching the flames hungrily consume the offerings. Minutes passed away which seemed an eternity. There was an uncontrollable urge to call him back. My heart sinking to the thought that what was dear to me is only a memory. There lay amidst the burning pile of wood, my idol my mentor, my friend, my father, a soldier who fought many a battles. some for himself, some for his family, some for his very existence. Who in his very own way defined happiness lived by his own rules and died by his own. True that no examples were set.

No boundaries were crossed, no walls were scaled, however there was a certain kind of uncertainty, in the way he led his life. A strong believer in his ways, some right some wrong, some liked, others detested. Leading a carefree and royal life, never really inspired anything. However, he left behind a trail of sadness due to the person he used to be. This is my life for all those who like me, wish for a second chance. I ask u for one thing offer unconditional love to those who need it and when they need it , to avoid that circumstance, when u regret not having got the chance to express how much that person means to u. Just as I am regretting now what I have done, not a second chance remember.

!!!! YES !!!!!

Heard myself say it over and over again, underneath the rusted chandelier,
staring at the corridor, which has not been walked in a while,
am i ready, am i worth it, can i take it,
i hear voices calling me out,
walking toward to metal door,
feeling dead to the touch, so cold
i fear, i pause, am i ready to say yes to life,

the creak of the door, with a whiff of dust,
breaks the silence, which i so loved,
walking down the dark hallway,
with burnt down candle stubs, long forgotten,
i can hear distant sound of people talking,
talking without listening, which i feared,
i look behind my shoulder, i see,
i see the dark path on the floor,
now void of any dust, i should turn back,
i fear, have been in isolation,

i feel the urge, the urge to move on,
memories haunt me, memories of the past,
where i was denied at every step,
when she left me bleeding at her doorstep,
they made out of me, what i was not,
worshiping the god they made,
no regard to what the human inside was,
saying no, no to love, no to life,
no to everything, i pulled back in the dark,
not able to take anymore, but now i see,
now i hear, the voices are much closer,
now i feel that i can make it,
i am ready, i am worth it,
i m saying yes to life.

... The first time ....

Yes, it was magical; you were like a song, Your hairs dancing with the wind. Your eyes, so mesmerizing, I went into a trance. Your voice like a sweet melody, reminded me of symphony. Your touch so soft, like a bed of feathers and you face so beautiful, like a work of art. Yes it was magical … first time we met …. My heart skipped a beat, I never believed in angels, now I know.

Time was so vivid and luminous; I could see myself falling deep, so deep that I feared for my life. How I needed that hug, that one kiss I longed for. I could se me wanting you like I never sought anyone, that one touch, that one moment, I wished time would freeze, I wanted to hold it for ever, not wanting that moment to pass by. Words weren’t coming easy, I wished for some help,I wished you will know, but little did I know, that it was the last train to home. I talk to my shadows looming large at night, I can hear voices asking me to sleep, with the hope that morning may bring another magical day. I hid under my blanket, knees on my cheeks, I could see death enter me, scream I did with all my might, but I had no respite. Yes, it is all coming back again, but this time they are here to stay. The bad dreams, my worst fears, hatred and the pain. Voices inside me, saying you are not mine, you were never mine, your are someone else’s. I felt helpless, I could see you walking away, you lied to me all this while. It was an illusion I had that you needed me, I tried to light up your dark days, be with you when you were alone. Little did I realize, I was in the dark and your days have always been bright and sunny. I was trying hard, now I can hear laughter around me, the dead kings saying to me that I was a fool, I kept staring at you, watching you move away with his hand in yours,

how could it be that the show is over and the curtains are closing on me. The clear skies start to bear a purple hue, I can see you now over the horizon. The silence is so scary, I see sand all around me, I can hear my heart beating, I finally realized that I am all alone. Amicable you are, suave and sublime, you still are my friend. I try to hide from myself, I lie to my soul that you can’t be a part of me anymore. I cant vow to be with you forever, I have to move on, there are more souls in this world who are in the dark and alone, I cant love any other ever, however, I am required to play the fool, till the souls find their destination. I know I will be left alone again, the dead kings will laugh on me again, nevertheless I can be an option to put all the blame on. The end is near I can see it, the writing is on the walls I can read it … there is blood all over the floor … my eyes getting blurred … this is it .. The much awaited end … yes it was magical but a shame it had end with my blood May my soul rest in peace …

... BackTrack ....

i want to go back to the time when getting high meant on a swing, when the only hangout was home, when sacrifice meant giving away the candy, when compromise meant letting him have the window seat, when expectation meant a gift on your birthday, when peace was playing in the sand,

when creativity meant scribbles on your drawing book, when dad was the only hero, when love was mom's hug, when your worst enemies were your siblings, when the only thing that could hurt were wounded knees, when the only things broken were toys and when goodbyes meant only till tomorrow. now i realise how far i have come ...

... the last chance ...

the distant sound of the playing of an old record ... churning out music of the sound of silence ... the ratting of the boards that read " out of gas " ... the old barndoor which still creaks ... occasional rumble of the trucks that carry cattlestock ... i turn around as i hear the little girls giggle ... in their dusty denims and oversized cowboy hats ... the little one struggling to keep up pace ... i was looking for a place with some shade ... i have been walking in the sun for very long ... my eyes wander uphill ... all i see is a long, dusty road

... i can hear the growl behind me ... the growl of the dry winds blowing dust in my eyes ... i see a shack with a broken set of stairs ... that led to closed doors ... i sit down by the firewood ... neatly stacked against the wooden horse ... i close my eyes ... i feel a cool breeze blow across my face ... i can hear her voice ... first it was faint ... now i can hear it closer ... she is calling out to me ... the voice, which i wanted to hear so badly ... i extend my hand out to touch her ... i see a blurry image ... i can see her standing with outstreched hands ... calling me out, she needs me

... i am unable to move ... i had given her a fair chance ... she chose to ignore it ... i have moved on ... she does exist ... only as a mirage now ... a mirage of wat things mite have been ... i hear the rumble again ... i open my eyes, the sun stings ... i look back at what i have left behind ... standing in the middle with nowhere to go ... the gods they bow to ... the faith they bestow ... i have realised that there aint much for u .. there aint much for me ......

...retrospection ..

I am able to see, visualise what i have been missing and ignoring. I have been demented, blinded by hate and rage. Hating people, hating love, hating my friends and hating myself. I knew people cared for me, but i chose not to accept or trust. Deep inside i knew that i was wrong, but i did not want to believe. The world seemed like a lie, relations seemed fake and life seems hopeless. Creed, Color, religion, faith, heartbreaks, cheats and terror. Fear of losing, fear of being hated, fear of being ridiculed, fear of not being important. The Devil consuming me from inside, laughing while i was drowning in my own blood. Hatred blinding me from seeing the world in its true colors. Blinded by rage againt the very things I held so dear, so close to my heart. All those memories coming back, reminding me of who I used to be and what i have become. Now i am able to see, without any obstructions. I am at war. At war with my innerself. I have been a mute spectator, when allowing myself to be drawn to the dark ages. Resurrection of trueself. Accepting the difference, the imperfections and starting to belive in what i refused to. Life has million colors. Some bright and some dull. Appreciate every moment. Like a new born calf with his mother, like a baby bird during its first flight, like silence of the midnight, like the warm hug of your loved one, like the noisy restaurants, to the taste of beer, to the sound of rain, to the generator, to the peace march and candlelight, to celebrating victory. I see a long road ahead. What used to be a graveyard is now a vineyard. I can see life waiting with open arms and a wide smile. How much i missed is a thing of the past. I am not holding back. Not anymore. I have a long way to go. The journey into life. Life the way we all know it, in all its glory and grandeur. This is wat i am, this is what i do, live for nothing for die for something.

...Final Destination...

the clock ticks ever so slowly...time passing with each moment...i am at the road to my possible destination...i look back to what i have earned...what i have missed...what i have desired...things which are taken for granted...companionship...attention we never desired...relations which cannot be defined...little pleasures which seems silly...some moments stand apart...from all those jumbled up in my mind...there is so much i have to say...there is so much i have to say...my first crush...my first dance...my first kiss...the feeling of being able to fly...the never ending parties...phone calls which last late into the night...and sleepy afternoons...talking loud over a glass of jack daniels...where work was a taboo...the sneaking out of home...getting caught smoking...laughing over silly jokes...my first guitar lessons...my first job, which lasted for four hours...times i walked alone...the streets lit with dim lights...the cobblestone path slipping beneath my feet...like a baby i struggled to keep up...the times i wished i can cry...yet my eyes were dry...times i wished i can shout...yet my throat was dry...looked up to the sky...seeking for an answer...sat down by the shore nowhere to go...falling asleep in the arms of the night...times i was adored...the feeling when someone says i care...when they say i want you...some moments which i cant explain...the feeling of togetherness...the feeling of warmth...the times i shared with my loved ones...those dreamy eyes full of need...so many memories...so many faces those come to my mind...each bring along memories of their own...some beautiful...some scary...some full of love and others full of hate...neverthless they are memories...it is the dead of the night...the glass lantern by the window...throwing ghostly images all over...the whistling of the light breeze...dancing against glass panes...i close my eyes to sleep...i can hear the ticking of the clock...my unconscious mind counting each second...i stare out of the window...its still beautiful outside...nothing has changed...still why does it seem different to me...i have a journey to undertake...staring into the empty skies...looking for an answer...the kings of the past...looking down on me...i lie down as i have a journey to undertake...life is a gift...cherish it...

...Nostalgia ...

its my life...my own words i guess...the wind is piercing my ears, so cold it numbs my body, i feel like a rubberball, lifeless yet bouncing. i dig my hands deeper into my coat, i wiggle my toes and take a deep breath. people scurrying around with their business as usual. i see the limosines's with the black glasses up, gliding like his highness's carriage. i see the ferrari's zip across, which blew dust in the eye of the cycle rider with a basket of flowers. unfathomable, from where i am, how many colors await you. people in their armani's and Versace suits, with glowing rolex's, rush around. he is down by the fountain, amazed at the busy world, he has his bottle of wine, which dont taste rite anymore, he aint having a armani, but he has a aged rug to cover him from the merciless winds. the lights change every minute. yellow to red to green to yellow again. the little girl in the pink coat, playing on the puddle of water left over by early morning rain. i look up, the grey skies threaten to come down again. i sip my coffe, i love this smell of fresh ground beans, i take it in its full glory. aaahhhh that felt so good. little moments of joy. like watching a baby play like there is no tomorrow, a puppy sleep so peaceful, people hugging showing care, a smile from a stranger as they walk past me, running my hand against the wet grass, close my eyes and feel nostalgic. time came and went, it was over so soon. so many characters who played their parts to perfection, read their lines, left scars, which time was unable to heal. some who left the stage after playing their short part, others who stuck around. people who left a mark. they live in the play called life but the script did not have much for them, as they left never to return. i run back to the past few years and wonder what did i do to make it go bad, wat made them want to leave me. the clock stuck ten jolting me up, the grey skies getting darker by the hour, it is still cold. she said she needs me, she wants me, i was reluctant not sure of wat her part was, promises seemed so convincing. i should have known, the script was written, no one can change, i can let go of her for i have a promise made for a lifetime, i can let go of her either for i find me in her. but the story says, you cannot have both of them, one must be sacrificed, you need to let go. the memories haunt me, the promises, the good times. the pain of having to say goodbye, the pain when you can see it breaking down in front of you. what took so much time and care to build, now is coming crashing down on me. i must go on, as the script says that i have to, maybe.. just maybe more characters are to come, make differences. i get up and walk down the bridge, the ripples of water flowing beneath my feet, finding their way inbetween the little rocks. side to side, up and down, they will reach the destination. i walk alone, along the sidewalk, lined with bricks, i dont know where i am headed, neverthless i cant stop, i must move on, i cross the road and blend into the thousands. this is where thoughts collide, i can hear voices but cant understand them, i can see faces, cant recognise them, some smiling, some frowning, some wondering, some happy, some pertified, different characters meant to play different roles. i walk along the path ... not knowing what my role is, which character i m playing in someone else's life. i try and think, think hard. i walk alone searching for the eternal truth ... WHO AM I ..

...Deception ....

I am truly sorry that i have a heart !!! How often have you wanted something so bad? you give up almost every thing you had, Receiving each day with a beaming smile, wishing the dark louds, will move away in a while, The sound of thunder and first few rain drops, Hanging on the rose petals, like a dancer with props, The wind caressing the lush green grass, Calming your mind like no one ever has, The long road ahead of you, dark and new, You heart longs for someone to walk with you, That perfect little princess, you dreamt of forever, Now is the time, it’s now or never,
How hard has it been to make them discern how much you care? Keeping inside you all the pain, more than you can bear, Wishing for a sweet place in their heart, Where you will b remembered for your part, Trying to show that a moment with them is all you want, Oh my god, how hard you try but they just can’t, Never knowing how they feel about you, Going out of your way, doing things you never did, Hoping to receive the love you were due, Wanting to know things that have been hid, Isn’t it ironic, that what you want a great deal, Is diminishing due to lack of zeal, How much has it hurt, when you see them in pain? When you felt like, let it be yours and let them have the gain, Getting drained trying to make them happy, Try no matter how hard you may, But all is going away In vain, Trying to hide all your pain inside, not wanting to show,
All you want is to see her happy, with the heavenly glow, When she laughs it melts away all your fears, You heart is in high spirits, forgetting all your tears, Nothing else matters, other than for her joy, Oh how I wish, I can be her guardian angel, All you may do to try and make her feel special, How much it hurts, when you In the end fail. How much you want that one special trip, where she is right beside you with her hands in your grip, side by side, hand in hand, just you and your beloved, her hair being brushed aside by the mellow breeze, this is all u have ever wanted,you wish this moment would freeze, the roses are dull, for how lovely she smells, the rainbow is colorless, for how beautiful she is, I knew there was something between you and him,
But I grew to like you so. I'm sorry i listened to my heart. I knew I really shouldn't have tried anything at all, But i wanted to be with you.I'm sorry i followed my heart. I knew you didn't like me,much less even care, But I dared to test my chance. I'm sorry i think with my heart. I knew of the grey skies,that trailed your very path. But i couldn't find reality. I'm sorry i see with my heart. I really should have known, that I didn't have a chance. But that's just me. I'm sorry i have a heart. And I'm deeply sorry that I ever spoke my mind. And I'm truely sorry that I have a heart ..

...Peace...To all...

Looking out of my window, down the winding streets, The driveway is littered with the autumn leaves, Sun shining so bright, giving hopes to live, The thought is on my mind, how much can I give? The birds are singing, like music to the ears, The wind is blowing, taking away your fears, Mountain of questions, which have no answers, What went wrong, that crossed all barriers, People and relations I hoped that will last forever, Moved away so quickly, like a raging river, Things I wanted, which I never got, That stinging feeling when I was forgot, Getting stabbed repeatedly in my heart, I still smiled and tried to play my part, Emotions and reactions never shown out, There were times when I wanted to freak out, Shout aloud I wanted to, words never came out, Cry alone I wanted to, tears never came out, Wanting to die, waiting for death, I could hear in me my own breath, Tears rumbled down my cheeks, I did not know, how to deal with the pain, Sitting all along, wondering for weeks, What did I lose and what did I gain, Giving all I had, hoping you would know, Never sought anything back, hoping you would show, Take you did everything I had, showed me that you really cared, Pledge of a long journey together, forever hand in hand, I am not ready to show that I am scared, For I have some hope still in me, even though insipid, Far in the horizon, I can see the sun sink, The shadows are creeping against the ground, Getting ready to welcome the dark, Another day has ended with the hope, That all this pain, somehow I can cope, Closing my eyes to the eluding sleep, Wishing that I don’t wake up, Wake up to see another day, Another day of treachery, pain, blood, Hurt, ignorance, heartbreak, sacrifice, Wishing that the pain will cease away, These things come again and again, Want to laugh out loud, give me a reason to, Want to cry out loud, don’t have a reason to, Feel no joy in togetherness, No fear in severance, Feeling numb to emotions, reactions, Wanting it all to go away, like a nightmare, Wishing I can wake up to a new day, Feel like in paradise, with angels around, No pain, nothing to fear, only the will to live, Wish I did with all I have, but got no reprieve, One more time, talking to the shadows, Listening to my own voice, echoing out, Reaching out for help, help to end the agony, I can hear the murmur, the sweet sound, Of him coming for me, with a promise, A promise to end the anguish, With one swift swing of his blade, Take my soul, the only thing left, And bless me with peace.